Noted Writings

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  • A Few More

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

    She wishes someone had told her that

    Beauty is only skin deep

    So why is she looking for more than that?

    You tell her she’s the definition of beautiful

    And that the girls that stand

    Only two steps behind

    Will have to wait a while in that line

    When did beautiful mean 

    “A few more won’t hurt”?

    When did beautiful mean

    Changing parts of her?

    She was a friend to me

    She was all I’ll ever need

    And now you’re changing her everything

    Into a media reality

    I miss her

    Before you said “a few more won’t hurt”

    Magazines and TV shows and everything else

    They’re screaming over me

    And telling her

    Nothing is good enough

    When did beautiful mean 

    “A few more won’t hurt”?

    When did beautiful mean

    Changing parts of her?

    She was a friend to me

    She was all I’ll ever need

    And now you’re changing her everything

    Into a media reality

  • To Be Honest

    Without warning, I went black

    That lasted over a week

    Not a word of condemnation when I came back

    I wonder if you know what that means

    When I do that, it’s never planned

    Life gets overwhelming, enough so that it’s hard to withstand

     

    To be honest, I don’t know how long it’s been

    We started talking through that dumb secret app

    Texting consistently, you’re actually my best friend

    Mostly sending tiktoks or pictures of my cat

    It’s not always super deep

    But it’s everything I need

     

    Your daughter is amazing

    I know you know that

    She’s going to follow her dreams

    It’s from you that she learned that

    It’s a second-hand love I have for her

    But it’s real, of that I’m sure

     

    Never doubt I love you dearly

    Even when I go dark

    I know you’re always going to hear me

    From the beginning, we had a spark

    Friendship may be all it is right now

    But to be honest, friendship is all I really know about

     

    Thank you for being who you are

    Always there even from afar

    It’s taken way too long for me to do this

    I’ve written many different ideas that were barely about you

    So finally, I found words that actually fit

    Doing this is a personal thing, but I still share with you

  • Depression

    Roses in a vase

    Pale yellow surrounds

    Supposedly a calming place

    To let all your fears out

    I spent too long there

    Not much help it was

    If nothing I did made me care

    Why did she think she could?

    I would sit an hour a week

    Tell her all my stories

    She’d ask how it made me feel

    If I didn’t think I was loved

    I knew my family’s love was real

    But I didn’t love myself enough

    Depression: a word said too much

    Just to give a reason

    I know I never really was 

    In that horrible, suffocating position

    The roses never changed

    Yeah, they were fake

    Just like my “disease”

    My supposed messed up chemistry

    What about those 

    That are really in pain?

    Those without the help

    That I got in vain?

    Pray for their peace tonight

    Show them they’re not alone

    That they have love in their life

    That it’s not for them to go on their own

    Depression isn’t an easy go to

    It should have never been said to me

    I just hated the school I went to

    Something too simple for them to see

    If I hadn’t had told them

    That the pills didn’t help

    I’d still be taking them

    I’d still be saying how I felt

    I pray for you

    Every single night

    I hope that you

    Can one day see the light

    Hope, love, and faith

    Joy, peace, and truth

    Just make it day by day

    Just know that I love you

  • Love Clown

    You were like a drug

    No one knew about us

    I fancied myself in love

    Never let myself see it wasn’t enough 

    I forgot about you

    Even though back then 

    I thought I was in love with you

    Your name is in my everyday

    But when I hear it

    I don’t see your face 

    I wonder if you remember me

    I’m sure you thought I was easy 

    Nothing about what we did was good

    I think I did it because I could

    All it was was hook ups

    Across the street

    In your truck

    I’m sure you were using me

    As I was an emotional wreck 

    And you just up and left each time

    Years later I tried to keep in touch

    You gave excuses, never replied

    I was hopeful, probably too much

    I let you let me down

    I thought the past could return

    I’ve always been a love clown

    I’m now forgetting the things

    That drew me to you

    I really had gone a little mad

    Wanting what the rest of the world had

    Single and older, I’m writing this

    Ignorance is really bliss

    I can see manipulation easier now

    I wonder why I remember you somehow

  • Waiting

    The dawn has arrived

    Bringing back my fears

    That if I wait another day

    I might burst into tears

    When you left me behind

    You said you’d be back in time

    Why’d you have to go away

    I still don’t understand 

    All no I wanted was for you to stay

    And keep holding my hand

    Now I have to be strong

    But this waiting feels so wrong

    I looked up to you

    And everything you were 

    You know, I still kinda do

    Even though it hurts

    Did you know I cried

    After you left that night?

    Why’d you have to go away

    I still don’t understand 

    All no I wanted was for you to stay

    And keep holding my hand

    Now I have to be strong

    But this waiting feels so wrong

    The dawn has arrived 

    And I’m standing here

    Just come say goodbye

    And ignore my tears

    Why’d you have to go away

    I still don’t understand 

    All no I wanted was for you to stay

    And keep holding my hand

    Now I have to be strong

    But this waiting feels so wrong

    I’m waiting again

    When’s it gonna end?

  • Imposter

    A hug and “I’m gonna miss you”
    My thoughts were “yeah, right”
    She’s amazing, too good to be true
    I don’t know what about me she likes
    Imposter, imposter you’re actually annoying
    Being me is something no one is enjoying


    I feel like I’m lying about me
    By being how I am in life
    I don’t know another way to be
    But it’s an alarm flashing bright
    Imposter, imposter, that’s how I feel
    Every day I question if it’s even real


    “You’re so hardworking”
    At what answering the phones?
    I’ve been told I’m a smart person
    So why is my favorite thing to stay home?
    Imposter, imposter it’s all a lie
    Even now I’m trying to hide


    “I’m so proud of you”
    Words I cannot accept
    I’m conditioned to say “thank you”
    Even though I know I should be a reject
    Imposter, imposter you lied to them all
    I’m nothing great, I’m just waiting to fall


    Love bombing is any kind of affection
    There’s no way it could be real for me
    I’m used to expecting rejection
    Don’t try to say you actually care for me
    Imposter, imposter my head screams it loud
    I can’t let you lie to me and say you’re proud


    Imposter syndrome, something so prevalent
    I live everyday of my life with it
    How do I accept your love and care
    When I can’t hope, I don’t even dare
    Imposter, it’s screaming out
    Imposter, it’s wrong there’s no doubt.

    I wrote this because I feel like I’ve somehow manipulated people into liking me, that I’m a liar and I’m not as nice as I seem, even if I want to be. Imposter syndrome is a very common thing, and I hate that so much.

  • Home (Your Arms)

    I wish you’d see that

    I’d do anything

    To make you smile now

    To be in your arms again

    It’s not easy

    Not being with you

    I’ve loved you so many years now

    You caught me when I fell down

    I’m showing off 

    To all of the world

    That I am your girl

    At home in your arms 

    You want me to know that

    You really love me, yeah

    I, oh, I 

    I really need you home, you see

    It’s not easy

    Not being with you

    I’ve loved you so many years now

    You caught me when I fell down

    I’m showing off 

    To all of the world

    That I am your girl

    At home in your arms 

    You walk into the room

    And my eyes lock on you

    Everyone else is suddenly gone

    You pull me into your arms 

    And I know

    I’m finally home

    I’ve loved you so many years now

    You caught me when I fell down

    I’m showing off 

    To all of the world

    That I am your girl

    At home in your arms

    This is a song I’ve written. There is music to this, but I’m not sure I’m brave enough to share the video I’ve posted (unlisted) on YouTube. Let me know if you’d like me too? (Keep in mind, it was recorded over ten years ago.)

  • Eggshells

    My birthday, decided to go out

    And thought she had plans already

    We had Mexican then to a brew house

    Snapchat shots made her angry

    We talked it out, had a vague forgiveness

    But I should have known you were still pissed

    My birthday last year nothing from you

    I thought it was your ADHD

    You have it and she does too

    I wonder if I’m just too naive

    And you did it on purpose

    Just because you wanted me hurting 

    I can’t remember the last time I texted you

    Or even messaged her 

    I’m always walking on eggshells, it’s true

    Because with you two I’m never sure 

    I feel I’m the biggest enemy 

    That you have in the family

    Six hundred and fifty I gave

    Thinking you’d fix my car

    Dad took grandma’s money to pay

    And went to a shop that was probably too far

    But that money was already spent

    By the time I asked back for it

    Now that I think about it

    You being so petty isn’t a surprise

    You get slighted then get pissed

    And everyone’s against you in your eyes

    I love you

    But sometimes I don’t want to. 

  • Confidence

    I’m not a size zero

    I can’t throw it back

    I’m definitely not a hero

    And I’m okay with that

    For the first time I didn’t do my face

    Held up my phone

    My smile in place

    As the flash glowed 

    I had never felt so naked

    Laid everything out bare

    I was only without makeup

    But I used to wear it everywhere 

    There’s a freedom to this 

    Not being worried about my skin

    My body’s not perfect

    But I’m building confidence

    Things don’t fall into black and white 

    There are a million shades of grey

    So what seems to you as the only right

    Can be seen by someone else a different way

    I’m learning my limits

    I’m not letting you be the one to push them

    If you say something about me

    I’m ignoring you

    I’m learning to be happy

    You should be too 

  • Just Living

    A friend told me he thought he was trans

    Had a name for his new self, Rachel

    I asked if he would tell his parents

    He said no, that’s not something they could handle

    At that point of my life

    I was maybe 19, still optimistic 

    I honestly thought my mom wouldn’t mind

    Being who you are is just living

    Turns out I was wrong

    Voting Trump should have shown that

    The many things said by my mom

    About those who’ve found themselves at last

    I rarely talk about anything important

    I don’t need to hear those comments

    “You’re born as you are, that’s it

    Gender isn’t something you can go fix”

    How can you be so accepting some ways

    But so rejecting in others?

    I’m bisexual, by the way

    To actually tell you, I’m afraid

    Mom, I just don’t get you

    Have you even thought it through?

    Love the same gender, okay

    Live the wrong gender, go away?

    That friend didn’t ever transition

    It was experimenting and learning

    I wonder if he had told his parents

    Would he have ended up hurting?

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